What Manhood Means to Me

 

I used to think that relationship and ultimately marriage was the greatest container for growth out there.

Boy was I wrong.

As many of you know my wife and I are having a baby and the last 6 months have been quite a journey.

Having a child is definitely the most cutting edge transformational ‘courses’ one can sign up for (and it isn’t even officially here yet!).

We are both very excited about becoming parents and can’t wait to welcome our baby girl to the world with open arms…and I feel like I’ve been going through one of the toughest times of my life.

This pregnancy is preparing me for fatherhood in ways that I never even thought possible.

I am not even the one physically carrying the baby and pregnancy has been difficult for me– but not for the reasons you think.

The path to becoming a father has been a tough road for me to travel as it’s forced me to expand my presence, look at my firmly held beliefs and ultimately transform them.

My wife who is going through her own transformation is developing an awareness as a mother that is consistent with her preparing to heighten her awareness and meet the nuanced needs of  our child’s survival.

I’ve have always considered myself a pretty present person but that was based on a standard that did not include children. This new ‘super power’ my wife is developing has been my greatest teacher in showing me where I show up not present.

There was a time when I could give her a back rub or touch her while paying attention to other other things. But she’s become much more sensitive to my ability to stay connected and be present with her and can tell (without even looking at me) when my mind has gone elsewhere.

No longer is it acceptable for me to be touching her and trying to connect with half of my attention on something else.

I swear it’s like she’s turned into a comic book character who is hyper aware of my non-present touch and now that she is expecting our baby that kind of contact does not work for her.

I’ve had to up my game as a partner and man on so many levels, and as a result, the system that I am used to using is no longer sufficient for the requirements and is thus bankrupt.

In order for me to up-level where I am at, the system I am in has to upgrade as well because the system that I’m used to operating inside of is too primitive to accommodate this new higher level.

Just like an abacus (or even your fingers) is useful for math once we start to learn calculus we see that the abacus is way to basic and we need to implement the use of calculator.

It takes practice to learn how to use a calculator newly and it can be hard to break old habits that we are used to.

Change is hard for us because it forces us to break our system and change processes that we normally use to be successful.

However, on the other side of this struggle and learning curve is the opportunity to design a new system with the opportunity for greater levels of performance.

See ever since I’ve taken on expanding my level of touch with my wife, she feels so much more comforted and supported by me when I give her a backrub. But the new practice is not in my touch but in my presence and awareness of her, myself and how we interact.

This new level of awareness is now being applied everywhere I go.

In business when I’m on client calls – it’s enabled me to hear and see things that I wouldn’t have otherwise seen. Even with my own sense of self I am have become very aware of my own feelings and beliefs that were normally in my blind spot.

This to me is what manhood is all about:

Updating our well-functioning, but outdated, operating systems for more complex and expansive ones when the need arises.

Learning to sit with being a beginner again even when it’s uncomfortable

Seeing how each new insight (even something as subtle as touch) can ripple out and impact all other areas of our life

Being humble enough to learn newly things you think you’ve already have mastered and lastly, having the courage to move forward even when you don’t know the path.

I can see how everything I’ve ever done has been preparing me for this moment. This new beginning. That all the knowledge and transformation I have accrued is culminating towards this upcoming tipping point.  I’ve no idea if I’m ready for it or not, but what I do know is that I’m stepping into it regardless.

And to be honest I’m excited.

Whether you are  a father or not, being able to integrate and search for areas in your life where you can bring more presence or see where your ‘system’ is outdated can, and will bring a level of expansion that will touch every area of your life.

Where in your life right now can you see that some of these principles can be of some use?

Where are you unwilling to be a student?

Where are you the abacus trying to do calculus and wondering why the answers aren’t correct or coming easier?

Math, like life, is super detailed and multi-dimensional but any mathematician will tell you that life is not fixed and doesn’t follow any rules and as such is a far more complex and rich with variables. To learn it and win it means constantly shifting the rules, the game and the way you play.

Wherever you are in life, if you’re up for real growth then I’d love to hear where you see you can apply this to yourself or the people you love.

And if you can’t see it or figure it out – feel free to drop me a line or give me shout and  I’m sure we can find it together

To your ever expanding growth,

Scott

Living A Life Of Gratitude

gratitude

I’ve never been one for gratitude lists.

In fact I’ve usually been one who looks down upon such things, thinking them trivial and not worth doing.

On an unconscious level I’m sure that I practice being grateful for things in my life. I’m grateful for my wife, family and friends.

I’m grateful for the fact that I’ve been able to live such an extraordinary life and that my body is healthy and strong.

My thoughts have always somewhat been present to having appreciation for my life.

However recently realized that there was something missing for me about the practice.

Something that was lacking.

Growing up Roman Catholic, grace always had a religious context for me. Something I did not quite understand but had to sit through and endure while I waited to eat my meal.

I’m not interested in making this post about religion, for me personally I had my own reservations regarding religion in general.

For most faiths there is a core message that is inherently good and true, but many times is wrapped up in a bit too much guilt, obligation and sin for my liking.

I never really realized what grace was really all about until recently.

Growing up it was something we did that never really made sense. My grandfather’s did it, my dad did it and I just shut my mouth, stayed quiet and bent my head when it was said.

For me it just occurred as some ritual that needed to get over and done with as quick as possible so I could get to my food and eat.

After recently celebrating Thanksgiving at my parents house (Yes we Canadians have it almost a full month earlier than the Americans)  it dawned on me that I have never really taken saying grace at my parents’ place seriously. It’s still to this day a ritual that means something to my parents but not to me.

There have been countless studies done and articles written on the best ways to find happiness, and be fulfilled. Across almost all the essays and tests one tried and true constant finding has been gratitude. (Like this one by Harvard Medical School)

Gratitude is the quickest most sure-fire way to allow for and create the experience of happiness in one’s life.

Recently I watched a movie where grace was being shared by a family after they had endured some very hard circumstances. In watching them come together as a family to show gratitude for having survived something shifted for me in regards to the idea of grace.

You see I could actually get that for the first time that it’s not about some religious ritual, but in fact a way to carve out a moment in time to express gratitude for what is in my life.

So I talked it over with my wife and we started to practice making gratitude a regular part of our meals.

With both of us considering our selves spiritual without being religious we created a sort of ‘Godless-grace’ where we made sure to have our practice be one of presence and appreciation rather than of any religion. We decided to call it Grace-full Gratitude.

I’ve been practicing this off and on now for about 2 weeks, and it has been tough at first to not feel the familiar monotony when we first started, many times when we first began it felt forced and too religious but after the last few weeks we have found a way to do it that works for us there are some really neat things that I have already noticed:

The first thing is that I’ve slowed down my eating. My meals take longer to eat. Now, that might not seem like a big deal but for me I’ve struggled with that for a long time. In fact, my wife has said in the past that the speed in which I eat makes her anxious and now being able to slow down has had a great effect on my relationship not only with my wife but with my food.

Furthermore, because meals are taking longer, I’m finding my wife and I having more conversation at the dinner table which in turn is having us both feel more connected.

It’s also helped me be more present to my life.

In those moments where I’m taking a time out to reflect on what I’m grateful for I’m way more in the moment.

Once I get present to what I’m grateful for, everything else seems to melt away. There’s no worry or concern about the future, no conversation about what I should do next, no thinking about what i have not done or didn’t do. It is the ultimate practice (outside of meditation) that I currently do that has me Be Here Now.

I’m simply in the moment reflecting and happy about what I’ve accomplished in my life in that morning, moment or day..

The last thing that I feel has had the biggest impact on is the way in which it has helped silence my inner critic.

I’ve had a lot of issues with my inner critic in the past. There have been many times where something didn’t work out that I thought would or I’d be unhappy with how I’m doing in business.

It would be very easy for me to get upset and down about what I was doing.

I’d start comparing myself with other people who are more successful and wonder why I’m not as successful as they are.

I’d tell myself that I’m not good enough and that I should just pack it in.

Sometimes things would seem pretty bleak and the future wouldn’t be so bright.

By taking on a practice of gratitude I’ve had less and less of those moments.

Sure I still have my doubts but never a full blown meltdown about who I am and what I’m up to because though there are still much for me to accomplish and get done, I’m now much more  present to what I have accomplished and how far I have come.

It is so easy to get caught up in striving for more achievements and crossing off your To Do list, and looking at what other ways we can get more, bigger and better stuff, but devoting concentrated intentional time to being present, acknowledging the ground we’ve covered and just being able to truly see what we have right in front of us right now.

That is a very rare habit for most people.

And that’s something that I never would have gotten present to had I not taken on the practice of bringing in gratitude before my meals.

So, if you are struggling in an area of your life, whether it’s being present or taking stock of your life, then my invitation to you is to take on a practice of gratitude.

It doesn’t have to be a huge thing, just a few moments each day to reflect on what you’ve got in your life to be grateful for.

Try it out, you just might surprise yourself with the results you get from it.

Do you have a gratitude practice in your life? If so I’d love to hear about it in the comments below!

To your relationship success,

Scott

P.S.

If you would like to take this one and unsure how to create your own version of gratitude before meals without using the familiar religious tones, send me an email and I can send you some great Grace-full Gratitudes that my wife and I have created that work for us in a non-denominational way to get your started on your own path to deep happiness, profound presence and slowing down.

What To Remember When Arguing With A Strong Woman

If you are anything like me, you love that your partner is a strong woman.

Strong women are amazing. They are fierce, very loving and deeply committed to your growth. They aren’t afraid to speak their mind (on any subject) and they are not only exceptionally vocal when expressing their love they are similarly never afraid of getting into conflict.

It is because of this full blown expression that I have see many men unfortunately ill-prepared to be with them fully.

Many men love the strength and courage of our women yet find fault and judgement in the parts that may not work for them, parts that come hand in hand with that power.

As such, many women feel that they have to shrink or suppress themselves in order to be with someone or worse, these women start to believe that who they are is ‘too much’, ‘too loud’, ‘too strong’ and that ultimately men can’t handle them and thus they end up compromising.

On the flip side, some men can feel so powerless or small around these women, (especially when it comes to dealing with their upset or with someone who’s unapologetically expressed in their anger.)

Recently I’ve found out 3 ways that have really worked in dealing with conflict in my relationship.

I’ve read numerous books on the right tactics to use, how to dissolve arguments, take responsibility, etc. There is no shortage of information, tips, hacks and ideas out there. The list can be endless.

Sometimes I’ve had success with a few of those tools other times they’ve never seemed to work even when I thought I was doing them right and in fact there’s been a few times where my attempt to use them has even escalated the argument.

Initially I would end up being upset with myself, after the fact, because I would see how I repeatedly acquiesced to what she wanted.

I felt powerless in the face of her anger, like my only 2 options were to either fight back and argue or make her completely right.

It felt like no matter what I did or which road I went down I always ended up feeling terrible after every argument.

Before I get into the 3 ways that work best for me it’s first important to understand that these methods don’t necessarily SOLVE the conflict, rather they provide an opening for something other than the conflict to occur.

In other words, they provide a good break for both myself and my wife to get perspective in the moment rather than constantly fighting for our differing points of view.

So they provide an interruption just long enough for emotions to calm down and give you the ability to regulate yourself a bit before you go back into the conflict.

Many of these may seem easy but they are counterintuitive and exceptionally hard to do when in the midst of a fight- but practicing and implementing can and will make all the difference for you.

  1.    Focusing on your breath and observation of your feeling

Taking some time out to breathe and observe what you are feeling.

This is a great way to collect your thoughts and make sure that when you resume your conversation you are properly resourced and not blaming yourself or her for your anger.

How do you do that?

In the midst of the fight I tell my wife that I need 5 minutes, and right there on the spot, I close my eyes and start focusing on my breathing. I witness my breath going in and coming out of my nostrils, observe which nostril it goes in and out through, notice if I’m breathing shallow or heavy – literally turning my entire attention to my breath.

After I’ve spent a few minutes focusing on my breath it will automatically regulate and slow down.

If you don’t have timer doing this for 10-20 breaths works too.

I then focus my attention on my feelings.

It’s important to understand that I’m not focusing on the story about my feeling (ie. Why I’m upset or who’s fault it is etc..) but rather I’m focusing on the feeling itself –  how it feels in my body and where it it shows up my body.

Perhaps it’s a tightness in my chest or tension in my back – through observation, I’m able to feel the feeling until it passes.

Taking a quick time-out to do this can really help center yourself so that you can be more resourced to go ahead and address and ultimately resolve the conflict in that moment.

  1.    Changing physiology

I’ve been using this one to great success recently. I’ve found that when I’m in a disagreement or full-on fight with my wife, changing my physical positioning can really help.

The purpose of this is simple – to move energy. If I can physically move my body when I’m feeling stuck or disempowered, it can be a great access to also impacting my emotional and psychological state as well.

It’s the law of inertia.

When energy is in motion it stays in motion and when it’s stagnant it takes more energy to get it moving and in motion again.

Sometimes when you are not in a powerful state it’s because your energy is stagnant – especially during times of conflict when you are in fight, flight or freeze mode.

Changing your physiology can look like walking around while thinking, standing up if you are laying down, or one of my particular favorites is literally dripping down and doing 10-15 push-ups in the middle of the fight. (this one is super hard to do and does not feel natural, and most of the time throws my wife off all together, but the result you feel are immediate and extremely effective).

  1.    Speak your desire

The big problem I’ve found in dealing with strong women is that when things get really heated, it might feel like you’ve got only 2 options to end the argument – either agree with her and take on her point of view OR keep fighting and arguing hoping that eventually she gives up and you can resolve it.

However in my experience speaking a desire or even a reassurance that you are both on the same side can go a long way to creating an opening to resolve the argument.

For instance, the other day my wife and I were in an argument and we were struggling to find common ground. And I said to her “You know, I can’t wait for the day that we can have conversations like this where we are both clear that we are on the same side”

I said this to her honestly. There was no judgment in my tone about us fighting nor was there any shaming her about how she was behaving, it was a heartfelt wish that I expressed openly that actually allowed her to see and be reminded of that fact that my ultimate wish is for us to be in love and rapport. This small act of truthfulness surprisingly seemed to allow her and the space to lose some steam and we were able to resolve things pretty quickly.

When I look back on this, I realize that speaking from a place of what I desire can really help interrupt the normal fight patterns that are at play for both my wife and I.

It helps her get grounded and seeing that even though I’ve clearly upset her (or her me), that we are still on the same side and that I really am partnering with her to work to a resolution.

(It also has her check in with herself on how she’s being and occurring during our confrontation – in other words is she being the woman she wants to be)

It certainly isn’t easy to be with a powerful woman and not be intimidated by her. It also makes it doubly difficult when you are in conflict and she seems unrelenting and challenging.

While making good use of these three things won’t necessarily always solve your conflict, they will offer you both an opportunity to gain perspective and power to help solve your conflict.

Every couple and relationship is unique. Each with their own mixed bag of love, pai and nuances. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for any of us.

But if you love each other and you are committed to being a man of honor for both yourself and the relationship then you already have the tools to start creating a partnership that is extraordinary for you both.

These tools can help, but it is your own heart that will always be the ultimate compass.

What are some of the things you use to help you in conflict with your relationship? Let me know in the comments below or feel free to visit my Facebook page with any questions.

As always, in service of your relationship success,

Scott

10 Ways to Make Your Relationship Better

Happy Relationship

For most men who are in a relationship that they are committed to, being in a stable loving partnership is probably one of the most important things in their life.

Most men would do almost anything for their partner and for their relationship, sometimes to even unhealthy levels. Which is why it can be really disheartening when your partner doesn’t see all the ways you are trying to say ‘I love you’ in your relationship.

I believe that when we are in relationship with someone we love deeply, we take every effort to communicate to them (through our words and actions) that we love them. However problems arise when they can’t interpret or hear the ways in which we are expressing that love to them or we don’t hear the ways that they are saying ‘I love you’ back to us.

This has been true in my own relationship with my wife and through my experience and expertise there are a number of ways I’ve found that you can use to making your relationship better in the reciprocal act of loving one another.

  1. Don’t avoid getting into conflict

I think this is one of the biggest things men can learn. Most men think that the lack of conflict means the relationship is in good shape.

That’s not entirely true and sometimes getting into conflict will allow you to bring certain issues to the table so that you both can then deal with them. Avoiding fights also can have us avoid connection, communication and resolution and so at times arguments and disagreements are actual huge stepping stones towards deeper intimacy and love (since it allows both parties to feel understood and heard and share their feelings).

The trick is not to avoid fighting, but to learn how to fight right.

 2. Communicate your feelings during conflict and nothing else

Once you stop being afightfraid of conflict and welcome it in, the next step is to learn how to navigate through it. The best way to do that is to speak about your feelings – don’t focus on what happened focus instead on how it made you feel.

When you are talking about your feelings don’t talk about them as if they are your partner’s problem (all that will do is have your partner feel defensive and attacked and suck you right back into the conflict), instead speak personally about them using “I” rather than ‘you” without explanations.

This way you not only allow yourself to share openly but also vulnerably and no one can debate your feelings or experience.

3. Give her romance

It’s always a bit of a surprise to me when men fail to see the benefit of this. Just because she committed herself to you doesn’t mean that she stopped liking all the romantic gestures you did when you first started dating.

Furthermore, this is what helps keep the spice of sexual energy alive in your relationship (for deeper info on how to have reignite that sexual spark click HERE).

When you can be and do the things that make her feel loved, excited and most importantly desired from you your relationship will soar to new heights. Romance does not have to be some complicated 5 course meal at some fancy restaurant or a huge flash mob that takes months of planning.

Incorporating romance can look like a date that you surprise her with, a kiss that is a bit longer and more passionate than usual or even lighting a candle as you sit drinking wine. Sometimes romance is pausing a movie right in the middle to stop and make out with her (this last one is a great one to use to sweep her off her feet).

4. Praise her 

heartsMy wife instilled in me early on that acknowledgement was the keys to the kingdom with her. If your partner does something great, how often are you praising them for it?

Furthermore, even when they don’t do something great or are down on themselves about something, how reliable are you to help them see a different perspective?

Maybe it’s the way she hugs you in a way that feels sourceful or the way she expresses an idea to you that has you really understand it or get it.  Being able to acknowledge your partner and praise her for all the awesome shit she does for you is a big deal to having her feel like you are noticing her and the difference she makes in your life.

Ideally you want to look for specifics rather than vague generalizations. Saying ‘the party was great’ or ‘dinner was yummy’ pales in comparison to “I loved watching you take care of our guests” or “the flavor of that new dish was out of this world”.

Women use almost 3x as many words than men do (see more info on that HERE) so speak her language in the details she deserves and watch the impact that it will have on her and you.

5. Spend time dealing with your relationship 

Your relationship is like a car. It can take you any place you want it go. However, just like your vehicle, you need to attend to it regularly so that it can still sustain all the journeys ahead. Spend time checking in with your partner and finding out how they are feeling about the relationship. My wife and I have a once a month meeting that’s designed for us to talk about our resentments and wins with each other. Doing this allows us to attend to the issues we need to attend to in our relationship so that our relationship empowers us, not drag us down. Just like a car needs an oil change every month or so, so to is your relationship going to need tune-ups and check-ins as well.

6. Don’t hold back and show her all of you 

It’s so easy for men to fall into the belief that they always need to appear to have their shit together, even if they don’t. For any relationship to thrive you have to be willing to be vulnerable.

That means showing her all the parts of you that you’ve probably never shown anyone else – it’s the only way to get to deeper levels of intimacy together and also it gives you an opportunity to work on and overcome your shadows.

Furthermore, she’ll be able to trust you more fully because she won’t sense that you are holding yourself back and thus it’ll give her permission to open herself up more (which is ultimately what she wants).

The truth is women are sharp and smart and they can feel and sense when we are holding back, hiding or withholding.

Allowing yourself to open up to her not only has her hear what is really going on but allows her to show and have compassion and deeper understanding on why you may be so tired, or irritable or distant. This sharing of yourself actually helps her understand you and love you better.

7. Date her 

Similar to creating romance this one needs it own entire point. It’s so easy for men to fall into a trap of stopping the practice of courtship especially after a few years of habit, comfort and laziness.

We all have other respondatingsibilities, like kids, work or house chores – the list of ‘To Do’s’ could be endless if you wanted it to be.

However, I think it’s critical that you make ‘together’ time important. If money is an issue you don’t have to take her out and spend a bunch of cash. You can do dates at home – maybe just by cooking a great meal together and sharing a bottle of wine with some stimulating conversation afterwards.

Either way, it’s important to keep dating because it helps keep a spark of romance alive in your relationship and will avoid you falling into a trap of living with a roommate vs. living with a partner.

8. Be present 

This is probably one of the most important and easily overlooked ones on this list. Attention is the greatest currency and gift you can offer someone, especially your partner.

Giving her your complete and undivided attention tells her, more than any card or words, that she is important to you.

More so than any gift you can buy, bill you can pay, dinner you take her to – none of it comes even close to how much presence makes a difference in your relationship. (If you are interested in learning more about presence – check this out)

Learn how to be with her without distraction, put down your phone (or even better turn it off), and just sit with her, doing anything – it could be eating, or talking, maybe even watching a movie together. It might even look like being fully there with her when making love and looking into her eyes – the point is have her see and feel that you are with her and nowhere else.

9. Grow with her 

Learning together is part of what makes a relationship great.

Recognizing and moving past shadows, barriers, limiting beliefs and anything else that holds you back both professionally and personally is a key to a healthy relationship.

The more you evolve and grow, the more your relationship will as well. The truth is, no matter what, as times passes you both will change but the key is to actively make sure you are growing in the same direction and not apart. To be sure to make the change that will inevitably occur happen in tandem with each other and not in opposite directions.

10. Let her be your greatest teacher 

This one is very difficult to accomplish but the most rewarding. I believe that we pick our partners in life based on the shadows and wounds we most need to heal and integrate into ourselves.

In other words, our partners are going to do the best job in regards to showing us all the places where we are amazing and all the places where our shadows show up, that we weren’t able to notice ourselves.

Most times our partner’s view of who we are will be much greater than our own – they will see our greatness much easier than we will, so surrendering yourself to their view of you (as long as it’s empowering) is something that can make a tremendous difference in how you relate with each other and more importantly how you relate with yourself.

It’s all counterintuitive

These are some of the most counterintuitive and at times difficult things that I’ve taken on in my marriage and though it has not been easy, it has been incredibly rewarding. I’ve found it to not only be deeply fulfilling for me on a personal level but also hugely beneficial business wise as what goes on at home does and will impact us in the office.

Having my wife be supportive of my dreams and my growth is one of the most important reasons that I’ve invested the time and energy into my relationship to make it extraordinary.

oscar wilde quote

So if you are struggling in any way with your relationship, I invite you take on at least one of these practices and watch how it shifts things for you.

Also, if you feel like you need greater help, you can grab a copy of my Passionate Partnerships Program – it’ll help you navigate everything from sex to conflict in a powerful way that doesn’t feel like you are compromising on your values.

You can pick up a copy right here

Here’s to you having a deeply passionate and intimate relationship

Scott

Do You Understand How We Communicate Differently?

communication3

Women and men communicate differently. I’m sure that if you traveled back through time you would see that through thousands of years, each gender developed their own style and methods of communication.

Men and Women are wired differently so it makes sense that we would communicate in different ways. Coupled with our social upbringings and maybe even cultural differences and it’s easy to see why men and women’s communication can be so varied.

WARNING- some of this post will sound a bit stereotypical and in no way am I saying that this is the rule of thumb, but rather a shortcut I will be using to illustrate a point and act as a guideline.

How Men Communicate

For the most part a man’s communication style is all about dealing with facts and logic. If you are like most men, sometimes you feel the need to not communicate at all as there is really nothing to say.

For men the point of communication is to serve an actionable purpose (‘go left’, ‘let’s grab that beam’, ‘I need to eat’) and if there is no purpose then there is no point in communicating.

Mens communication is usually designed to get to the heart of a problem so that it can be solved with as little extra information as possible and we can move on to tackle the next problem. (There is no need to explain why I am tired and have to leave early, I am simply tired and as a result say goodbye).

Given our cultural upbringing men aren’t encouraged to express their feelings and thus use less descriptive words when they actually do express their feelings. It’s not uncommon for men to say something like “I’m angry at….” or “I’m frustrated by…” and then state what they are going to do about the problem.

Being a man I know I encompass this communication style, and it really works in a lot of situations especially with other man or when needing to execute or complete a task..

In addition, when I need to talk business with someone, whether they are a potential client or someone who’s helping me in my business, it’s really good to be able to stay focused on what’s important and what’s needed in the moment.

I’m often coming up with solutions to their problems and so this direct way of speaking is a great way to create parameters and target bullseyes. .

Having said all of that, It is important to note that as men this isn’t the only communication style that we are stuck with, it’s just the one that happens by the default.

How Women Communicate

My wife often says that I use language to create and communicate efficiency while she uses it to create experience.

Women communicate primarily through emotion. In other words, she uses communication to express and understand how she feels.

And in some cases, she doesn’t even recognize how she feels until she starts communicating.

If your partner is anything like mine, you have probably had a conversation with her where she started talking about something and then within the span of a few seconds or minutes she started getting angry or upset about what she was talking about.

For her, sometimes she needs to express herself in order to understand how she really feels.

Communication is her way to create intimacy. She needs to connect with you on a verbal level in order to feel close, so in those times when you come home and don’t feel like talking, you are in essence shutting down her attempts at feeling connected.

Because this is not my default way of speaking it can be extremely frustrating at times. However here’s where I’ve found this style to be extremely useful.

  1. This communication style is a truly beautiful way to understand what you are feeling and what is happening on the inside. A woman’s ability to verbalize her feelings and bring such precision to explaining an emotion that is limited to the english language is incredible. Hearing them speak about how much they love us and how we make them feel is one of the reasons their way of expressing themselves is so attractive.
  2. This style also allows me to come up with solutions that I never would have thought about previously because I wasn’t sure how I felt about something. There have been many moments with my wife where she’s stopped my thinking and asked me how I’m feeling about a particular problem.  In feeling my feelings it provides new insights and actions that I otherwise would not have seen.

Again if you are a woman reading this, the point here is to understand that this is a default style of communication, not one that you are inherently stuck with or that you are incapable of communicating differently.

 

rapport-report

So what does this mean for relationship?

Well as I’m sure you can imagine, no matter how great both of our styles are sometimes these styles can cause friction inside of a relationship. The typical example is when the couple comes home from work after a long day.

Your woman’s first inclination is to talk all about the day and the ups and downs, what bothered her and what was great and then wants to hear about yours which is her way of engaging her man in conversation to create intimacy.

For the man, what they are looking for when they come home from work is completion from the day – they left work at work and so talking about it brings up all the feelings and frustrations that they intentionally left behind when they left the office.

All he wants to do is sit down and relax together – do something that doesn’t require conversations or re-living the stress of the day.

As a result of this, it’s not uncommon for a couple to get into an argument about this when in reality all both parties are trying to do is get close with one another.

(If you find yourself in an argument and want to diffuse it quickly, read this)

So what’s the solution here?

What I’ve found works, is to have each party understand the other’s needs. In other words you need to understand what she needs in order to feel connected and she needs to understand yours. Furthermore, it’s not just understanding what each party needs but also when they need it and respond with giving it to them.

For instance, there have been many times where my wife and I will finish work at the same time and instead of me zoning out I might recognize that she’s had a hard day so I’ll take the time to talk to her and listen to how she’s feeling and tell her I’ll take care of dinner while she relaxes.

Other times, I may be in a more depleted state and she knows to give me my space allow for me to have some down time and wait before engaging in conversations

Learning each other’s needs and communications styles will provide a world of generosity and understanding that save a ton of hurt feelings. (This is also a big component to what science tells us creates lasting relationships – see here)

Lastly, the thing that I’ve found makes the most difference is practicing being in both modes of communication. I find that the more you can navigate between both forms of communicating, the better it is for the health of your relationship and the more you are able to grow as a human being. Having a strong understanding and ability with both allows you  as you to have other communication options available rather than operating in the default mode of speaking.

Both forms have their uses, so why not learn to master both and use each in the appropriate circumstances in order to maximize the results of your life.

You’ll be glad you did.

If you are a man who’s reading this and are having a hard time understanding or connecting with your wife, then I encourage you to download my free report at the bottom of this post.

Just enter your name and email address and I’ll send you my best stuff on how to increase the connection and communication with your wife!

Scott